just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
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There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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