I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize