Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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