my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
