Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
