Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
