Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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