I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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