guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
