the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
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