My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I see more hoeing in ur future
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
