I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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