I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
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You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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