i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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