If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
