I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
