Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
We had sex on a dog bed..
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
