I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
