when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
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i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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