God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm getting married
To pizza
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
