I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Text me some of your sweat
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