A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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