Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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