chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
