I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
