On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
