If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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