ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
