I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
