Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
