Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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