Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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