My first STD was from a foam party
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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