I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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