the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
