Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
