Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
