Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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