My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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