Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
