i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
