Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
