I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
