Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
