Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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