She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
