I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
