Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
