my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
