Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
