Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
