I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
