It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
