just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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