im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I deserve this hangover.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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