I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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