worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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