just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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