I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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