I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
