I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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