I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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